


Woah

by MicheConnor



Category: Smallville, Superman Returns (2006)
Genre: M/M, Other, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 13:45:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/868232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MicheConnor/pseuds/MicheConnor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is complete crackfic. Seriously. But when I wrote it, I had just seen Superman Returns and thoroughly disliked Kevin Spacey's Lex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Woah

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when a very tired person watches Dude! Where's My Car? After seeing Superman Returns.
> 
> Originally posted in 2006.

They stared at one another, glaring, and just inches apart. Each as stubborn as the other, refusing to move or give the other any chance to change.

“Clark,” Lex’s husky voice grated out.

“Lex,” Clark’s slightly lighter tenor returned, equally filled with anger.

“I won’t let you–“

“I haven’t DONE anything!”

“You lie so badly, Clark.” Sneer.

“Well, You suck!”

A blinding flash of light filled the room, and something seemed... changed.

A new voice spoke from the other side of the room.

“Figures. I finally figure out the Continuum Transfunctioner and it brings me here.”

Clark and Lex turn from each other to stare at the new speaker, each stunned in his own way.

“Who–“

“Where–“

The two young men stopped and stared daggers at one another again.

“Will you just shut up?”

“I don’t have to do what you say!”

“It’s my house, Clark.” Sarcasm laced Lex’s voice like slow poison. “I think I have privilege here.”

“Lex, It’s not about privilege.” Clark’s eyes grew round and earnest. “Dammit. You don’t know who she is!”

“I can handle women, Clark.”

“Oh, tell that one to Desiree.”

“I did.” 

Clark’s face firmed into sheer determination and he moved between Lex and the New Arrival. Lex’s wishes be damned. “Who are you? Why–How–did you get here?”

“My name is Lena.” Her intensely blue eyes regarded Clark momentarily before flicking toward Lex. “Lena Luthor-Phillips, to be exact. And as for the rest... well. How good is your trans-dimensional physics and eleven dimension calculus?” Lena smiled sharply.

Not to be denied, Lex pushed past Clark and approached Lena to regard her closely. “So. You claim to be a Luthor.”

“No claim. It is the truth.” Lena smirked as she brushed a lock of dark hair from her forehead. 

Lex’s eyes riveted to her brow, and the tattoo there. “So. What, you’re my sister?”

“No, nothing so mundane. I’m you, I think.” 

“Wait, wait!” Clark broke in, again moving forward, and in between the two. “You’re...Lex? But. You’re...” He squinted oddly, then flushed a brilliant red. “You’re a girl.”

Lena laughed. “Ah, yeah. That kinda happens sometimes.” She looked at Lex, smiling at him almost tenderly. “You can feel it, can’t you? The link between us? The...oh. You’re frightened.”

Lex’s eyes seemed to be miles wide. “I don’t believe this. You’re...influencing me, somehow.”

“Please. That’s no way to treat your alter ego.”

“Lex,” Clark muttered urgently. “Let me get you OUT–“

“No!” Lena and Lex both said at once. 

“Come on, Lex. You know I mean no harm. Know it!” Lena insisted. “Look. We need to get past this stupid posturing. We need to fix things here so they don’t end up like... well. You don’t need to know more, but just trust me. Please.”

“He doesn’t have to trust you.” Pale grape green eyes flared hostilely. “You’re just trying to trick him like...” Clark looked at Lex and grimaced. The words came out, anyway. “Like every other woman in his life.”

Lex snorted a laugh suddenly and and just stared at Clark. “What have you done with my asshat friend and where is he?” The tension in the room broke.

Clark just turned a darker red, but didn’t break his gaze on the bald young man. “I mean it.”

“Clark,” Lena moved to place her hand on his arm, but he moved out of her way and pushed her back a step. “Clark, look. I would never–could never– do anything against Lex. We know too much about one another.” 

Green eyes narrowed menacingly. “I still don’t believe you.” Clark folded his arms aggressively across his chest. “He’s my friend. My friend.” 

“And he’s my other self!” Lena exclaimed, Lex joining in on the last word. 

“She’s right, Clark. I know it. I just...it’s okay.” Gently, Lex lifted his hand and moved it toward Clark’s left bicep. “She knows how I feel. And I know how she is feeling.”

“So, you’re both like connected now?” Skeptical!Clark bared an arched brow at the pair. 

“Uh...” Lex said intelligently.

“Yeah.” Lena finished.

“Oh great. That’s really gonna go over good. What are people going to say?” Clark said, exasperated, his big hands clumping his hair into random spikes. 

“Why would they–“

“Say anything?”

Lex and Lena smirked at each other, and Lena graciously inclined her head toward Clark. “You go on. I have to figure out how to stop L– err, anyone else from using this thing.”

“Clark. Come with me.”

“You’re just going to leave her here?”

“Yes.” Lex moved forward the three steps that separated them and clasped Clark’s hand. He tugged at it. “C’mon. Time for a snack.”

Unwillingly, Clark allowed himself to be dragged from the room. Lena watched the boys leave, waiting for them to disappear before she moved to Lex’s desk and opened it, hefting the old paperweight inside with determination. “Not gonna let you find me here, Lex,” she muttered as she raised the weight and used it against the transfunctioner, cracking it in several places. 

Behind her, a white-coated figure appeared, chuckling to himself.

"Wha-- Oh, damn,"

"Lena, Lena, Lena. You should know better than to try and outsmart me." A man just past his prime sauntered toward her, his smooth pate gleaming in the light of the purple and red stained glass windows. "Really. You should..." His hand was a gleaming blur as it struck her face, and his eyes were dark obsidian chips of black ice. "Have--" He grunted the word slightly as he backhanded her again, and she fell heavily onto the glass surface of the desk. "Known. Now, give me the device."

Lena clutched at the transfunctioner, movement at the doorway catching her eyes. "Clark! Catch!" She grinned slightly and threw the device as hard as she could toward the blue shirt in the doorway. 

"Clar-"Startled in his reaching for the device, Dark-Eyed Lex turned toward the door, venom filling his face and twisting it beyond recognition. "You! I killed you!" 

"Well you won't this time, you bastard!" Lena hefted the paperwieght and beaned the white-coated older man on the head. 

He fell, heavily, to the floor.

"Better get that damn thing some place that's safe," Lena said meaningfully, chest heaving as she gestured at the Continuum Transfunctioner. The paperweight, cracked, fell from her hand to the floor. "And make it someplace really hard to get to, not that stupid thing at the south pole."

"Uh..." Clark gulped. "Yeah. Um, Lex?"

"Clark?"

"I, uh, need to go. I'll be back, though."

"I am sure you will. I'll be here."

"Okay." Clark beamed at his Lex and jogged toward the door, blurring into motion only after Lex turned away.

"So. Lex."

"Yes, Lena?"

"Heh. Got any handcuffs? Or a cat 'o nine tails you're not using?" Her elegant foot toed the crumpled form on the floor. "Or maybe an oubliette?"

"I am sure I can find something..."


End file.
